Journal # 1 : 4-02-26 : A Drop of Success, A Bucket of Friction

It's midnight. Another night where I'm sitting exhausted yet unfulfilled with the day's progress. Having gone through enough winters to understand the bad patterns, I feel a frustration wash over me. I feel exhausted.....and engulfed in waters that are too dense and sticky. No matter how furiously I push and methodically paddle one arm after the other, trying a mixture of second-hand tactics and pure willpower, the hardest waves budge, but the waters of friction and habits take their original space once again. Keeping me trapped in a limbo of ALMOST THERE.

Huge effort -> small win -> lose momentum -> back to square one.

EVERY.FUCKING.TIME

One quote that acts like a north star for me to regulate myself now is this : "The truest test of intelligence is if you get what you want out of life." I need to do it . It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. It is imperative that I get this fixed. Life cannot incessantly give you opportunities that you squander simply coz you are too dumb to do the thing YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO.

Here are the things that I feel are happening currently.

I am focusing. I am working hard. I am executing.......the wrong things.

Image yourself in the middle of a pond. The shore is easily within a reachable distance. You have been blessed with great stamina, a sharp mind and clear eyesight. You lift your hand, paddle your feet in the correct perpendicular motion that swimmers swear by, BUT each stroke you make you position your body in a different direction.

Lemme tell you, you ain't seeing that island anytime soon, boy.

That's what's happening: I have a lot of things on my plate and a lot of talents in order to truly do justice to them. I am not prioritising, I am not checking my progress and my direction, I am not using discipline to guide my velocity. As a result, the fuel is burning, the tank runs low, but somehow we didn't reach far.

People that are working for me see this, and they understand my patterns -- their professional career depends on it. They understand that they should never say no to me on my face, they need to say yes, feign focus , and simply wait for me to get too busy and forget about them. That's what's happening. Once in a blue moon, I shine the spotlight of my indignant rage on them, they focus and wait for me to get busy once again.

Ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Remember: through all this dysfunction, there are no heroes or villains, just dumb people doing dumb things to feed their dumb desires, making each other worse off. The smart ones who can see what is happening either excuse themselves out of it and the best among us -- the True Leaders -- are those who make sure the system gets changed. The only thing the system of any organisation or structure of people is supposed to do in order to be truly BRILLIANT is to make anything less than stellar feel so painful and so much resistance that they simply shudder to do that.

So here is me saying that I will do that : I will focus and follow through, whittle down the things I am working on, give all my fuel to a few things, build systems and make sure that they are maintained. RUTHLESSLY. There is SO MUCH GOOD TO BE DONE. Cynicism is a crutch of the weak willed.

Lift a load and take it where you always intended to. Life is a constant fight against the void. Everything worthwhile takes a stupidly huge amount of tenacity.

My answer to that ?